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MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, LEBANON, OHIO 

Haste Makes Waste 

By IIabriette Wiubur 



Copyright, 1920, by March Brothers 



CHARACTERS 

Mr. Dexter — A druggist. 
John — His soda fountain clerk. 
Tommy Jones — A small hoy. 

Scene: A drug store in the crude, such as any hoy can make with old hoxes 
and bottles, a few chairs, paper napkins, lemonade stratus. gla<!ses, and m9" ^n. 

Costumes: Mr. Dexter is in his shirt sleeves at first. John is wearing a ivhite 
coat and apron. Tommy Jones in his usual garb and hat. 

Curtain: Mr. Dexter and John on the scene. 

Mr. Dexter {rolling down his sleeves) : Well, John, business seems rallier 
slack just now. Do you suppose you oan take care of things while I nin 
down to the ba.nk? 

John {delighted) -. Oh, yes sir! Yes, sir! I oan. 

Mr, Dexter {indicating different bottles, boxes, and so on) : Here's sulphur, 
and this is alum, with prices plaiiil}^ marked. Soap is ten and fifteen cents. 
Toothbrushes are ten to thirty-five, each marked on the handle. Here aro 
the cough drops, lozenges, and such things. The patent medicines are here — 
Johnson's Hair Tonic, Williams' Headache Powders, and so on. The prices 
are all on the list here. If Mrs. Lincoln comes in, give her this bottle of 
smelling salts, I've just got in for her; specially strong, as she likes them. 
Leave the prescriptions till I get back. Understand, John ? 

John: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Indeed I do. 

Mr. Dexter: All right then. I'll leave you in charge. I'll be back soon. 
{Takes hat and coat and exits.) 



Haste Makes Waste } c'j \ vp 

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John {polishing the chairs and counter industriously) : Left in'^thaxge ! My, 
what a big fellow I am now! Oh, I'll show Mr. Dexte» just how well I can 
take oare of things. Now for the counter. {Rearranging the boxes, hottles, 

■ and so on.). Thesie boxes of pills fit in better over here. .And the porous 
plasters I'll put over here. Mr. Dexter is nice to work for, but he is a bit 
slow for the business, I think. We need a little more life and up-to-dateness 
j^ this store. And I guess I '11 have to furnish that. And when he sees what 
<i handy man I am, and how business picks up the minute I'm in charge, 
he will advance my salary, sure. Then, before long he'll be saying: "John, 
you've been such a faithful and excellent clerk that I've decided you're just 
the man I need for a partner." And some day I'll buy out Mr. Dexter, 
and be the proprietor myself. {Picks up hottle of smelling salts.) Now, 
here's some smellingnsalt — ^that's what it says on the bottle — funny name. 
What did Mr, Dexter say about them? Oh, yes, they're to go with the 
headache medicines. I'll put them over here with the patent medicines, 

" though, for there's a place that is just big enough for them. {Stands hack 
and looks at the counter, hands on hips.) Now don't that counter look a 
hundred per cent, better? Oh, we need a little more get-up-and-get in this 
businet^s. Hello, who's this? 

Tommy Jones {runmir^ in) : Oh, Mr. Druggist, have you anything for the 
headache ? 

John {importantly) : Certainly, any boy. Sit down, a moment. {Seizes the 
T^Trrtile of sm,elling salts, draws out the cork, and holds the hottle under T^r,imy-'-s 
nose.) There, you begin to feel better already, I'll wager. 

Tommy {.gurgling and gasping, holds his nose-, and Jails hack into the chair as 
though unconscious). 

John {shaking his hands in alarm); Oh! Oh! Mr. Dexter! Mr. Dexter! 
Help ! Help ! ! I 've killed Tommy Jones ! I 've killed Tommy Jones ! {Bushes 
out and hrings hack a hasin of water and a towel. Wets the towel and begins 
to slap it about Tommy's head.) Oh! Oh! What shall I do? 

Tommy {gasping and opening his eyes) : Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! 

John {immediately self-important and calm) : Well, my lad, do you feel 
better now ? 

Tommy {holding his nose) : Better? Oh, I feel awful! My nose! My nose! 
{Rocks hack atvd forth howling.) 

John : Oh, that is nothing. You '11 feel fit as a fiddle before long. 

Mr. Dexter {entering): Why, what's happened, John? Someone hurt? 

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IIaste Makes Waste Q 



John: Wliy, Tommy Jones here had the headache, ajid I just gave him the 
smelling salts and he nigh fainted away with fright, I guess. 

Mr. Dexter: Oh, tliat's it! {To Tommy.) Well, my boy, have you the 
headache now? 

Tommy: What? Me the headache? I guess not. It's my mother has the 
headache, and she wants something quick. 

Mr. Dexter {Imighing, while John stands hack much crestfallen) : Well, well, 
John ! Haste is a pretty poor policy in this business, you see. Go slow and 
take pains, know what you're about is a safe motto for us, my boy. 

(Curtain) 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 




017 401 816 9 



MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

Five for 25 cent*. Not Leas than Five Sold. 

AUNT JANE VISITS SCHOOL. By Jeannette Joyce. Any number of males and females. After fifty 

years Aunt Jane si)ends a morning in a modern school. Her observations keep the audience in a roar. 
AUNT JERUSHA AND UNCLE JOSH. By Effle Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric 

folk yislt the school, producing no end of fun. 
AUNT LUCINDY STAYS. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females, Two darky characters make 

lots of fun. Clever and clean. 
"BEAT IT!" By Willis N. Bugbee. ' 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, 

the parson included. Oceans of fun. 
BETTY AND BETSY. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but 

he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. 
THE BUGTOWN BAND. By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can Imagine, 

and a little music which anybody can make. 
THE BUZZVILLE NEWS. By Effie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between 

the manager and new editor. A sure hit. 
DOT ENTERTAINS. By Elizabeth F. Ouptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, 

and the things she tells him are a plenty. A big success. 
THE GOOSE FEATHERBED. By Willis N. Bugbee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish 

and eccentric cliaracters. Easy and amusing. 
HASTE 3IAKES WASTE. By Harriette Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the 

wrong bottle and learns that haste makes waste. 
IN A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. By Jeannette Joyce. 4 males, 6 females.' A take-off on the specialist of 

today. Incidentally a number of the follies of humanity are exposed in a laughable manner. 
LAUGHTER AND SONG. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with 

jolly songs, making a continuous funny story. 
LOOK OCT FOR HEZEKIAH. By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males, 1 female. Hayseed parents visit 

college dean. Splendid opportunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. 
THE LUNATIC OR THE PROFESSOR. By Louise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic 

is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. 
MORE TIME OUT. By Carolyn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant 

problem. The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but effective. 
NO PEDDLERS ADMITTED. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man intended not 

to luiy, but the peddler had a suave manner. . 

OH, YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. S males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, 

showing the amatenr teacher's trials. Funny and well ' suited for schools. 
ONE ON THE AGENT. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright and telling 

repartee. Recommended for all occasions. 
THE "PHYSICAL TORTURE" CLUB. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Physical culture 

exercises for which Jla is too stout and Pa is too rheumatic. Killinglv funny 
A PROPOSAL IN GKANDaiA'S DAY. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for 

the modern audience. 
RASTUS BLINK'S MINSTRELS. By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. His "Kinky Koons" are 

killing. The jolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. 
"SCAT!" By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her 

youth. Very laughable. 
SEEING THE ANIMALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a suffragette, 

and a spoiled child make a lively time. A hit. 
THE SQUASHVILLE FIRE BRIGADE. By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, 

if desired. A brisk anil snappy little dialog. Eas.y and clever. 
THE STUPID WITNE.SS. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and 

have an awful time, but it's fun for the audience. Swift and keen. 
THE TRAIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they 

catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. 
THE TRAIN TO MORROW. By Jeannette Joyce. 3 males, 2 females. Confusion in a railway 

station resultin'.' in tid end of fun for the audience. 
THE TRAVELING PHOTOGRAPHER. By Kate Alice White. 3 males, 2 females. He unexpectedly 

visits a farmer's faniilv. -Ml work is stopped and they pose for the picture. 
AN UP-TO-DATE PROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. A roaring farce that will 

keep the audience interested every minute. Effective when used with "A Proposal in Grandma's Day," 

but each complete in itself. 
WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation 

resulting from a misunderstanding. Irish dialect. 

No entertainments sent on approval or exchanged. 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, Lebanon, O. 



